Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i will never coherently bang her
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
