My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
