Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
