my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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