Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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