Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
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