She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
