cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
