I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
