There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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