Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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