I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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