woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Actions speak louder than pants.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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