what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
