My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
