This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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