I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i think i just lost a toe
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
