Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
