I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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