please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
