got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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