Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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