Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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