Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize