his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
