After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
