My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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