You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
