Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
