I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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