wrigley field is MILF paradise
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
