I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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