Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
