Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
