Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
