I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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