Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
