she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
