okay pat passed out under dana's car
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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