Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
