so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
