You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize