Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
