woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
