I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
send nudes
from the living room?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
