dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
