just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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