I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
