She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
