My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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