then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
