My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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