shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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