textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
