Cold hands, warm shart.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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